You've got the look of a skeptic in headlights

I do not like college.

I thought that maybe it would get better.. but it's not.
In fact.. it's getting worse.

Being stressed out... the continuous crying... fake friends... the lack of sleep...
I don't want to be here..but what else am I going to do with my life?

Maybe it's just the college I'm at.. maybe it's.....I'm not quite sure..


I do have a paper due tomorrow.. and I'm no where near done. You may be asking.. why I'm not working on it now.... Well, I was. BUT a bunch of thoughts started popping up and I needed to type them all out.. because I was distracted.

I feel like I'm suffocating...
and that I'm drowning in the lake I helped create.

What happened to me since 10th grade?
I used to be so hard working.. but now.. it's like I DON'T CARE.. and that's just it... I really don't.
I want to.. I want to work hard... but for some reason I can't.. and that's why I cry.
I get frustrated at myself.. and constantly think there's something wrong with me..
I want to do well.. and learn.. BUT I'm not. It feels like I'm trying to force myself to do these things that once came so natural to me..

I'm going to end this.. because.. yet again... I'm crying.


just a random last thought..
when I have a boyfriend I tend to do better in school..
maybe that's what i need..
(yes.. i know.. i shouldn't depend on a guy..blah blah blah)

you bring out the best in me, but it's not the best for you

I'm currently OBSESSED with The White Tie Affair. They are an amazing band!
You need to listen to them!! Go! Do it now!

Life has been a bit crazy.. my mom and brother made a "surprise" visit today. Thank Tom Cruise that my brother called to warn me. My mother saw my tv and flipped out. It was my money.. so whatever. It's not like I bought drugs. :)

I've been really tired as of late.. I'm going to try to make it to bed before midnight.
The lack of decent sleep is catching up to me at the worst possible time. My muet midterm is tomorrow at 1... There's no point in cramming now.. I'll never remember it.. So I think I'm going to sit and read the book tomorrow before class, seeing as I have a 2 hour break.

Today I accomplished.. almost absolutely nothing. I did manage to put over 500 songs on my external hard drive and my ipod. However, I have an Audience Analysis due tomorrow at 10am. I'm hoping he doesn't collect it.. so I can just bring it in with my rough draft. Seriously though... as soon as my midterm for muet is over.. I'm going into WRITER mode.. actually I have a psyc discussion.. so after that I'm going to take a nap and then write my 4 page paper on English..

I'm being lazy. I know I can do this work..but I don't feel like it. Honestly! I just don't feel like doing my work.. It's a horrible thing.. I hate being like this.. Maybe hypnotism would work!!??
Has anyone ever tried it?


Ok well I'm going to go try to sleep.. seeing as it's almost 11pm.. and I'm soooooooooo tired!!

it rains in heaven all day long

3 essays.. 1 weekend. This should be a lot of fun.
I'm thankful to my Muet T.A.! She's letting me turn in my paper late.. because my stupid computer deleted it, along with all of the research. However I have two more essays for English that are due. They're not that long, so I'm not really worried. It's just about that time where I lock myself in my room for a good 48 hours. I was originally going to Maryland Madness tonight, but I canceled my ticket. As much as I'd like to go, I feel that I could use that time to work on this paper. To quote my friend Derrick.."I need to get on my grind." (I really do miss him!)

I had a pretty... odd conversation with another one of my friends last night, let's call him Paco. He's good at giving advice, and I'm actually going to listen...but I feel bad for making him talk about the subject.
New Resolution = No more cursing.
(Therefore I'm not going around a certain friend of mine for a while.)
Anyway.. this conversation with Paco made me realize that I'm definitely interested in someone.. seeing as we flipped a coin and I disagreed with the result. My goal isn't to instantly fall head over heels for someone, but to become friends and see where it goes from there. Paco gave me some insight on how to go about this.. THANK YOU!

Onto my next topic... it still involves relationships but on a different level..
A friend of mine....hmmm... Bernadette..haha... is having issues with her boyfriend. Usually I'd care, and give her advice. It's just that lately she's been getting on my nerves. She doesn't know what she has and how much her boyfriend cares about her. They've only been dating for about 2 weeks and she's decided that she loves him. Personally, I believe she is moving way to fast. She told him to promise her that he'd never fall in love with her... but now she expects him to say it back..and is getting upset that he hasn't. It's just annoying. This drama is childish, and I'm above it. The fact that she's complaining about something I don't even have... makes me want to slap her. Why can't people appreciate what they have?

Why am I so focused on a relationship? School used to be my priority but lately I've put it on the back burner. Getting a boyfriend isn't that important but it makes life a whole lot easier. Knowing that someone has your back is a good feeling. I wish I didn't need that...

Stupid love songs!!

New Found Glory... My Friends Over You...
...great song for them moment.

So... I haven't eaten anything today.. and that's not too healthy. I'm on campusfood.com looking for something to order.. but I feel like such a loser, seeing as I'm by myself.
Whatever. This is it for this blog... I need to start working on my paper, and EAT.

and here i go just making the same mistake... i've fallen stupid for you..

I've realized that although I know that I shouldn't care what others think..I still do. I can remember a time when -excuse my french- I didn't give a fuck. A part of me wants to blame it on society for making a size zero the norm, but there are still people out there that don't let it affect them. There's still hope.

Ok.. so I kind of got distracted and completely forgot my point..
btw I have an english assignment due at 12am...it's a 1 paragraph reply to someone's rhetorical analysis.


...back to my man idea...
I'm self conscious, and I hate it. Recently I haven't felt...........good enough. For example, I have an interest in this particular guy. At first I thought..Hey! He might be interested in me as more than a friend...but now I'm not so sure. I'm doubting myself and lacking faith in others. It's just hard for me not to wonder.. WHY anyone...especially him... could be interested in me?!?
I'm working on this issue...well, at least trying to have a more positive view on it.
What ever happened to not caring whether or not a guy liked me? Really!? I don't know where or when in my life this switch happened. This makes me seem as if I'm desperate for a boyfriend, I'm not. It would be nice to have one. Just to have that someone there... to cuddle with...to care about... I miss that. BUT I'm not willing to settle..because that never ends well.
By settle I mean...date someone JUST to have a boyfriend, not the person I was originally interested in...
This whole self-conscious problem makes everything all the more difficult.

Ok I'm finished with this topic... it's hard not to be lovey dovey with a Jason Mraz/Michael Buble playlist blaring..

I'll type more tomorrow...about things other than relationship issues..


(The title is from Stupid For You by Marie Digby)

she's a front page fold out million dollar mouth with a story rip to tell ...

As before, I'm still questioning many things. My day was not the greatest, but it definitely wasn't the worst. In psyc we learned about operant conditioning and reinforcement/punishment. I'm glad I actually paid attention.. See Murnane was talking about escaping, which is something I've done quite often through out the past several years. Escape is a form of negative reinforcement. You're taking something away(awkward situation), which is reinforcing a habit (escape). When I feel as though I'm inferior, or that no matter how hard I try I am going to fail anyway.. I tend to give up. Currently this is happening with my English class. The majority of the people in my class are English/Journalism majors. They know what we're doing. Another problem is, I don't feel as though I was properly prepared for college. Yes, I had some amazing teachers (especially Jaffe), but I feel I was cut too much slack. Maybe it was my own fault for not caring as much as I should have senior year, but I wasn't completely to blame. I knew that if I turned in a paper late, there wouldn't be that big of a penalty. Therefore I procrastinated more than the average teenager, and took advantage of my teachers' kindness. In doing this I have unintentionally hurt myself. I'm far behind my peers when it comes to a lot of things. My point being.. because I don't know what I'm doing in certain classes..specifically English, I try to avoid going to that class. I've learned to avoid the negative stimulus by getting out of the situation where it might occur.(i.e. English class) My problem is that I'm aware of what I am doing, but I don't know how to change. I wish there was a way to turn back time, because honestly I'd redo a lot. BUT what's happened.. has happened. I can't change the past, and I'm not sure it's such a good idea anyway. Everything happens for a reason.. right? Maybe.... I don't necessarily believe in coincidences. In my life there'd be too many.

"I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences."
(V For Vendetta)