All because of you. I loved you. I didn't show it like I should or could have but I did, and you know that. Sometimes I still think about all of the decisions I made and the events leading up to...well, I'm not sure what to call it. We stopped talking... hated each other.. At least I saw red when I heard your name... so yes I DID hate you.. I can't anymore. I'm letting it go. A part of me still loves you, no matter how much I want it to go away, and how hard I'm trying to forget the past. You meant everything to me, and I lost it... But I can't focus on the past. It won't get me anywhere.
It's better to have loved then lost, then never to have loved at all....
It's better to have loved then lost, then never to have loved at all....
Bullshit...
I would rather not experience something then to experience it and lose it. I'd rather have not spent countless hours crying over what once was.
Anyway.. regardless of whether or not I still love you.. I want to be friends. It's going to be difficult, if not impossible, but I want to try. I'm sure you don't even want to talk to me, with all that's been said, and gone on. I'm sorry. I've apologized countless times, not that I needed to.. I felt like it was necessary..and I just wish you were a part of my life.
I never fully understood what it was like to miss someone, but you've shown me. I guess the fact that you're not in my life anymore makes it all too realistic for me. I don't know. I have no idea what I'm saying.. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind without even screening it.
Yes, I still love you... but not like before. Nothing will ever be like it was. Ever... but that doesn't mean it can't change for the better... and that positive things can't come out of it...
Unless..never talking to me again is a positive thing for you..
In a way.. I hope you remember what we had.. even though we weren't together that long.. we were friends.. You were one of my bestfriends. Do you remember that? I'm not saying I want to go straight back to that.. or if I ever want to go back to that.. BUT I want at least a part of it back. I want to be friends. I want to be able to talk to you like old times, when it wasn't weird.. when I wasn't worried about saying the wrong word..
This could all blow up in my face.. but what the hell.. What do I have to lose? You aren't my friend at the moment.. You've apparently tried to hookup with this girl who I thought was my friend... but who knows... she lies her ass off. Maybe you and her a buddies now.. Whatever it is.... I want to be friends. I'm sorry.. for everything. Everything I've ever said.. did.. even thought... In all honesty I doubt you'll even take the time to read this, but in the off chance you do.. I'm serious. I know a lot has happened, but can we try to salvage anything? Can we attempt to be friends again? ...or have we both changed too much for that to happen?
This didn't start out as a letter to you. I swear. I was listening to the Underneath... reminiscing about Otakon... remebered how much last year sucked...then realized how much I've tried to change myself just to forget about you... and it didn't even work..
By the way.. Willy Gene is still with me (even in college)... I'm taking good care of him.
