Sometimes family isn't all you've got... sometimes you don't even have them.

UPDATES.

I'm not longer attending the University of Maryland.
Why?... because I fucked up.

Sometimes things don't come easy.. Have you ever thought about downing a bottle of nyquil? or maybe swallowing a few extra tylenol.? I have.. it's not a pleasant thought, and I'd rather not hurt the ones I love, especially my mother.

Anyway my Aunt is a bitch. I'd like to post the emails we've been sending to each other.. you'll know why I'd like to slap her.
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8-5-09
Dear Aunt Kathie,

I hope you're having a fantastic summer, and that everyone is doing well. I'm sorry I haven't been better in touch, I've been working the overnight shift at CVS, as my summer job. I was also working at The Children's Place up until a few weeks ago, but it became hard to juggle both jobs on opposite schedules. With my job at CVS allowing plenty of hours on a doable schedule, I have found this summer to be exactly what I needed to prepare for a great year back at UMD.

As we discussed earlier this year, my tuition is temporarily not covered by government aid due to my less than outstanding academic performance this past fall. I was hoping for your help with this matter by means of the trust fund, under the understanding that my grades remain my first priority. I recently received my university bill for July, that lists my cost of $9337.08 for attendance at Maryland this fall. That bill is attached. The prior balance that the July bill refers to is the remaining amount ($430.33) due from last semester, which we had discussed. Having contacted the office of the bursar, I was told to pay off the remaining balance at once. Assuming the lack of unforeseen problems, this amount should be covered with my next paycheck. In addition, I will of course be covering the $12.75 fee for residence hall room damage. I accept full responsibility for these charges.

Thanks so much for your help. I know we are in stressful economic times, and I appreciate your understanding these last few months.


Love,
Antoinette

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8-6-09
Dear Antoinette,

The bill is not attached as you can see, but it doesn't matter as I need a bill that says you have paid your balance before I can send the bill to the trust. When the balance is zero, you may send me the bill.

The trust pays for tuition only, so I am assuming that your scholarships are still available to pay for your room and board. I will not be sending you any more money then what the trust pays for tuition, so be sure you have enough for the year before you register.

I do not want to activate this years trust if you are unable to attend school in the fall because we should save it for when you can go to school. We only get 8 semesters and you have already used 2 and have at least 7 more semesters to go to achieve your 120 credits. So, as of now, there will be a semester for which you will be responsible.

I am happy that you were able to work this summer...and of course I hope everything works out for you. We are fine. My Aunt has been is the hospital once in the last six months, but she is back at the assisted living home and is stable at this time.

I will look for a paid bill from you and send it directly to the trust when I receive it. I hope it is in time for the beginning of the semester if this is what you decide to do.

Love, Aunt Kathie

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8-14-09
Dear Aunt Kathie,

After a stressful week of figuring out how to get finances for room and board, I have managed to find a way to pay for it. I've enrolled in the Terp Payment Plan which credits the amount to my account, and then allows me to make monthly payments for that specific amount. I've also paid the prior balance on my account, however, having met with an advisor in the financial office, I have found that it will not be possible for me to send you a copy of my bill stating a balance of $0, regardless of the fact that my prior balance from last semester is paid off, because the charges for Fall 2009 as well as the paid balance are also on my account. However, as the billing period ends on the 20th, that bill will not be available until after my tuition is due.

Attached is the copy of the July bill, which has to be paid by the 20th of this month, or my classes will be dropped. It says the balance is $9337, however I am also giving you access to my student account, which is updated about every 24 hours. It will show you all of the charges and payments on my account, that the bill won't show until next month. This morning I paid the remaining balance with my debit card, so it should show up within the next 48 hours, and the current balance will be $4010.08.


To access my account..
**** there was info here****

You should be able to see my account information after this. If you have any trouble or questions just email or call me at 443-***-**** I have to change my password every semester, so I will send you my new password when the time comes.


Love,
Antoinette

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8-15-09
Dear Antoinette,

Where are you going to get the money to make the payments which start Sept. 5th?

I assume since you are asking for this amount of money that you also lost your scholarships? Or that they were only for one year?

If I remember correctly, you were unable to keep the job you had last year and still study. Plus I would think you were unable to make that kind of money through the entire summer, so that a part time job during the school year would not be enough money for you to make the payments.

I think you are being unrealistic and should consider commuting to a college from home. Lots of people do it and you have many schools to pick that are near you by bus....

Please respond to the questions. Aunt Kathie

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8-15-09
Dear Aunt Kathie,

I appreciate your concern, however I've talked my mom and she is going to help me make the payments towards the room and board, Mr.Chuck said he will help out if we have trouble. My grant from last year is temporarily suspended due to my academic probation, after this semester it will be reinstated for the spring. I'm going to be working at CVS on weekends so that I can help out with the payments and so I don't have to be rehired come winter break. All of the arrangements for this coming semester have been made, with the exception of my tuition.


Love,
Antointette

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8-15-09

Dear Antoinette,

I feel that you are asking to much to go away to school. I don't think you can really come up with the money from your mother and I feel that if you take the loan from the Terp program they will never get paid. I am not going to aid you to what I consider stealing.

I have also talked to Samantha and what she tells me about your attitude and actions are terrible. How can you be this way, lying to her and creating so much trouble after she has been so wonderful to you. I believe her because of how you have used us by spending the trusts money that first semester.

If you want to be reasonable, nice to Samantha and go to a school where you can commute, I will pay for your tuition, but I will not throw this money away...So no money for tuition at University of Maryland college park will be paid.

I am so very sorry and so very upset. I had hoped to help you, but I cannot do this. Aunt Kathie

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8-15-09
Aunt Kathie,

I've talked to Mrs.Samantha and she said that you don't want to interact with my mother, so we've discussed that I will stop all interactions with her, so that I can get a good education. Mr.Chuck said that as long as I apply myself and show a strong effort, he'll do what he can to help me with room and board, but he doesn't have enough to help with tuition. They think going to a community college is step back from where I currently am, and if I do drop out of UMD I will not be able to get back in. Classes from a community college do not alter the GPA at UMD, and will have no effect whatsoever. Although, it's too late to get into any colleges around here, because the classes are full. I'd have to wait until next semester. I have no way of commuting, so the only option would be Baltimore City Community College which is pretty much an extension of high school. The majority of the classes don't transfer to accredited colleges.

The Terp Payment Program is not a loan. It simply credits the money to my account at the beginning of the semester so the computer system doesn't drop my classes. After that it adds the monthly charge to my account, which will be paid. I know you have your doubts, but I can assure I have it taken care of.


I know you have your mind made up, but I wish you'd reconsider.

Antoinette

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8-15-09
Dear Antoinette,

First, I looked up the Terp Payment Program and 5 payments of around $1000 each have to be made by the 5th of each month starting in Sept. If a payment is not made a 1 1/2% charge is added on. That is a definition of a LOAN.

Secondly, Credits from accredited schools are accepted at U of MD at 2/3's their value.

Thirdly, You can reapply to a U of MD school after taking off a semester and you don't know for sure if they won't accept you. They usually do.

Fourth, I don't know how you can accept Mr. Chuck's offer after the way you have behaved this summer. You should be ashamed to even think of it...

Last, While a community college is a step back, where you are is on academic probation with lots of money owed and wanting to increase your debts...

Basically, you cannot afford to go to College Park. I am NOT assured that you have the money.,...

Take this semester off, work and apply to UMBC in the spring. There is a bus that goes right down Catonsville avenue....

My decision stands...Aunt Kathie

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8-16-09
If I may suggest something, Call UMBC on Monday and see if you can get in for the fall semester. If you can't, take one class, one that interests you, get an A in it and that will help with your probation. It will also help to keep you from forgetting how to study. Aunt Kathie


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8-16-09
Aunt Kathie,

If I cannot get into UMBC, at what school do you want me to take a class? The only way to increase my GPA is to take classes at UMCP, any classes taken at other schools with not have an effect on my GPA. I'd still be on probation upon returning to UMCP.

Antoinette

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8-16-09
Dear Antoinette,

If you can't get into school at UMBC full time, ask if you can take one class. After full time students register for classes they are opened for part time people. Good luck and let me know...Aunt Kathie


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Antoinette- go to this web site to learn about transfer of credits to UMCP from any accredited school....

http://www.tce.umd.edu/faq.html

press on---- What courses will be accepted.....

Aunt Kathie
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8-17-09
Aunt Kathie,

I'm currently trying to figure out how to withdraw from UMCP, unless I can some how get a student loan within the next few days. I used to work at the Transfer Credit Center at the Office of the Registrar and I've already talked to my old boss about what classes will transfer to UMCP. He suggested that I do not take anything that would be considered a "major" class, but rather a "core" class, since they are more likely to transfer. If I cannot go back to UMCP this semester I'm going to try to go to Baltimore City Community College until I can afford something else. However my original intention was to go to UMCP this semester, since everything was already planned out and then go to a community college next semester.

Antoinette

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8-17-09
Dear Antoinette,

I was hoping to hear from you today that you would be going to UMBC this fall and would like the trust money for that. Maybe you would like it there and the cost is much more reasonable with the room and board costs.

I am assuming that Baltimore Com. Col. has core classes and it an accredited school? If the answer is yes, that would work. Should I call the trust and ask them if they pay for that, or do you want to save the trust for when you go back to the Maryland schools?

I don't think you should waste your time looking for a loan. I can't imagine that you would qualify for a ten thousand dollar loan....

Aunt Kathie
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So basically this is what has been happening and is the reason behind my emotional breakdown.
Anyway I have to work tonight.. and I should probably be sleeping/eating right now.
I'll update more later, but I felt this was necessary for others to see.

How long is long, that depends how long it takes

I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I'm tired of not being honest. I'm tired of not being treated like an equal. Frankly, I'm tired of living. 

I hate that I still think about killing myself. I hate that I ever thought about it. I hate that these thoughts come back when I'm really stressed out. I hate cutting, but hating it doesn't stop me from doing it. 

It takes everything in me not to act on the majority of these thoughts, but I've come a long way. I reason with myself... even argue on occasion as to what the best solution is. 

I want my problems to go away.. and sometimes the only solution seems to be suicide. Do I want to die? No.. not really. But do I want all of these things to stop.. YES. 

I want to stop being compared to everyone else. I want to be seen as someone who is trying. I want help. I may not ask for it... but I need it. I can't do everything on my own.. You give me responsibilities.. but the wrong ones. I'm not ready for everything you throw at me.  Why can't you see that? 

It's like I can never win. Everything I do is wrong. I'm wrong. I'm not good enough. I don't put forth enough effort or even try as far as your concerned. What you don't see is that I am trying. Maybe not as hard as you'd like... but that's because I have other things to deal with. I'm battling my own demons. The ones you can't see. 

God.. I feel crazy. I'm not. At least I don't think. I just... I honestly don't know anymore.. and you get pissed when that's my answer. Well I'm sorry, but when I don't know something.. I don't know it.. Do you want me to lie to you? Okay then. 

Like right now... I seriously just want to die. Straight up.. I'm thinking about taking about 20 tylenol or whatever we have... if only it weren't for my inability to swallow pills at a fast rate. I should mention the fact that I'm also silently convincing myself that its a bad idea. 

Maybe if you knew what I was going through than you'd realize that I AM TRYING... trying to save myself. I wish I could tell you everything that's going on... but I don't think you'd understand. I don't think you'd take me seriously.. or you'd just keep saying that I'm acting like a child... Do children contemplate suicide? Do they? Do they plan it all out step by step.. only to tell themselvees its a bad idea in the end? I don't think their minds are developed enough. 

I've been thinking about checking myself into a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. It sounds like a good idea... but do you think it is? Or do you think I'm being dramatic and overreacting? Huh? Am I just seeking attention..? I certainly don't think so.. If I could stop myself from thinking these things than I most definitely would. I don't enjoy having the urge to swallow a bottle of pills everytime I get upset and feel like it's not worth it. I want it to go away.. but no amount of medication will help that. I just have to have willpower. 

Sorry for the rant.... I just needed to get this off of my chest. 

Basically my stepdad yelled at me... for stupid things....and everything is blowing up in my face. I don't know what direction I'm headed or what's going on anymore. It's starting to seem less and less worth the effort. 

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to..do it.

Maybe I've been trying to change myself for all the wrong reasons. I've been attempting to distance myself from things I actually enjoy just because it all reminds me of you. Everything I used to be is gone. Granted I'm still me on the inside, but I don't let it show as much. I'm much more judgemental than before, I act like everyone else is so childish for liking things I once (and still) love. 

All because of you. I loved you. I didn't show it like I should or could have but I did, and you know that. Sometimes I still think about all of the decisions I made and the events leading up to...well, I'm not sure what to call it. We stopped talking... hated each other.. At least I saw red when I heard your name... so yes I DID hate you.. I can't anymore. I'm letting it go. A part of me still loves you, no matter how much I want it to go away, and how hard I'm trying to forget the past. You meant everything to me, and I lost it... But I can't focus on the past. It won't get me anywhere. 

It's better to have loved then lost, then never to have loved at all.... 

Bullshit... 

I would rather not experience something then to experience it and lose it. I'd rather have not spent countless hours crying over what once was. 

Anyway.. regardless of whether or not I still love you.. I want to be friends. It's going to be difficult, if not impossible, but I want to try. I'm sure you don't even want to talk to me, with all that's been said, and gone on. I'm sorry. I've apologized countless times, not that I needed to.. I felt like it was necessary..and I just wish you were a part of my life. 

I never fully understood what it was like to miss someone, but you've shown me. I guess the fact that you're not in my life anymore makes it all too realistic for me. I don't know. I have no idea what I'm saying.. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind without even screening it. 

Yes, I still love you... but not like before. Nothing will ever be like it was. Ever... but that doesn't mean it can't change for the better... and that positive things can't come out of it... 

Unless..never talking to me again is a positive thing for you..

In a way.. I hope you remember what we had.. even though we weren't together that long.. we were friends.. You were one of my bestfriends. Do you remember that? I'm not saying I want to go straight back to that.. or if I ever want to go back to that.. BUT I want at least a part of it back. I want to be friends. I want to be able to talk to you like old times, when it wasn't weird.. when I wasn't worried about saying the wrong word.. 

This could all blow up in my face.. but what the hell.. What do I have to lose? You aren't my friend at the moment.. You've apparently tried to hookup with this girl who I thought was my friend... but who knows... she lies her ass off. Maybe you and her a buddies now.. Whatever it is.... I want to be friends. I'm sorry.. for everything. Everything I've ever said.. did.. even thought... In all honesty I doubt you'll even take the time to read this, but in the off chance you do.. I'm serious. I know a lot has happened, but can we try to salvage anything? Can we attempt to be friends again? ...or have we both changed too much for that to happen? 

This didn't start out as a letter to you. I swear. I was listening to the Underneath... reminiscing about Otakon... remebered how much last year sucked...then realized how much I've tried to change myself  just to forget about you... and it didn't even work.. 

By the way.. Willy Gene is still with me (even in college)... I'm taking good care of him.

Here's the Pitch.. Slow and Straight. - All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero...but I'm a zero.-

I find New Years Resolutions...practically pointless. Very few people actually stick with them. So I don't understand why I should make one just to fail miserably and then feel worse about myself. That's not to say that I'm not making a few. I need to set some goals.

1.Stop doubting myself/lacking confidence when it comes to my own knowledge.
- I do this.. a lot. Yes, I know many people do.. but it's getting in the way of everything. I know that I'm smart, it's just that other people make me doubt this. Doubting myself only makes me do worse.

2.Stop giving up when things seem too hard.
-I'm not a quitter, but the past few years it seems like that's all I've been doing. It's not in my nature, which means it's an acquired habit. :( I need to break this habit...ASAP! The only problem is.. I don't know how. I need help, but I don't like asking. I'm hardheaded.

3.Realize that I'm capable of being loved.
- This is a big one. After MANY failed attempts at having a relationship..I've given up. Sometimes I just feel like no one would like me. There's no reason to. I have a boyfriend, who is absolutely amazing. One problem.. I'm worried that it's too good to be true. What if he hurts me like the rest? I know..I know.. I should be positive. But how do you expect me to have an optimistic outlook on love... when I've been screwed over countless times before. Let's just see where this goes....I really like him a lot.. and I want it to work.

4.CARE.
-This goes hand in hand with giving up. I realize that I can't do something.. give up.. and then act like I don't care about it. That's not the way to go about life. Acting like you don't care doesn't always make you NOT care. In fact, it makes it much worse. People expect you not to care so you act like you don't, but it's eating you up inside. I want to try...but I'm so worried that I'm going to fail.. and I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore.

5.The Oh So Common... Lose Weight.
- A part of my insecurities come from the fact that I'm not happy with myself. If I make it so that I am happy, I'll be more likely to put forth an effort with other things. Anyway.. I want to lose weight. I've gained a lot since junior year...and I'm just not happy with it, whatsoever. I'm not sure how much I want to lose...I just want my old clothes to fit comfortably.

6.FOCUS
-I really need to buckle down with school. I thought I had things covered this semester..but I ended up failing everything.. except UNIV. I was devastated. Did I show it? NO.. Why?..Because I acted like I didn't care.....My parents have NO IDEA. I fell way behind, and a lot happened. It was a bad semester overall. I hate that I've become a slacker. I was never this way..and it needs to change. I'm going to the doctor in a week and a half to get a prescription for Adderall. I have ADHD and I think that maybe being medicated might help. I'll keep you posted on that.

7.Become a better friend.
-I've done some shitty things to people that I really care about. I'm sorry. You have no idea how much your friendship means to me...and I wasn't lying when I said that losing you was something I couldn't handle. You're an amazing person and friend. Hopefully you'll give me another chance to prove that I want you in my life, and that I'm immensely sorry for hurting you. (Note: if this is about you..you'll know. don't ask.)

Overall I know what I need to do...
- straighten out my priorities - focus on school - love myself - appreciate others -
...let's see what happens.

i hope i can achieve my goals and they aren't just things i'll disregard in a month or so..