I hate that I still think about killing myself. I hate that I ever thought about it. I hate that these thoughts come back when I'm really stressed out. I hate cutting, but hating it doesn't stop me from doing it.
It takes everything in me not to act on the majority of these thoughts, but I've come a long way. I reason with myself... even argue on occasion as to what the best solution is.
I want my problems to go away.. and sometimes the only solution seems to be suicide. Do I want to die? No.. not really. But do I want all of these things to stop.. YES.
I want to stop being compared to everyone else. I want to be seen as someone who is trying. I want help. I may not ask for it... but I need it. I can't do everything on my own.. You give me responsibilities.. but the wrong ones. I'm not ready for everything you throw at me. Why can't you see that?
It's like I can never win. Everything I do is wrong. I'm wrong. I'm not good enough. I don't put forth enough effort or even try as far as your concerned. What you don't see is that I am trying. Maybe not as hard as you'd like... but that's because I have other things to deal with. I'm battling my own demons. The ones you can't see.
God.. I feel crazy. I'm not. At least I don't think. I just... I honestly don't know anymore.. and you get pissed when that's my answer. Well I'm sorry, but when I don't know something.. I don't know it.. Do you want me to lie to you? Okay then.
Like right now... I seriously just want to die. Straight up.. I'm thinking about taking about 20 tylenol or whatever we have... if only it weren't for my inability to swallow pills at a fast rate. I should mention the fact that I'm also silently convincing myself that its a bad idea.
Maybe if you knew what I was going through than you'd realize that I AM TRYING... trying to save myself. I wish I could tell you everything that's going on... but I don't think you'd understand. I don't think you'd take me seriously.. or you'd just keep saying that I'm acting like a child... Do children contemplate suicide? Do they? Do they plan it all out step by step.. only to tell themselvees its a bad idea in the end? I don't think their minds are developed enough.
I've been thinking about checking myself into a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. It sounds like a good idea... but do you think it is? Or do you think I'm being dramatic and overreacting? Huh? Am I just seeking attention..? I certainly don't think so.. If I could stop myself from thinking these things than I most definitely would. I don't enjoy having the urge to swallow a bottle of pills everytime I get upset and feel like it's not worth it. I want it to go away.. but no amount of medication will help that. I just have to have willpower.
Sorry for the rant.... I just needed to get this off of my chest.
Basically my stepdad yelled at me... for stupid things....and everything is blowing up in my face. I don't know what direction I'm headed or what's going on anymore. It's starting to seem less and less worth the effort.
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